Trust Me
by denise1
Summary: Sam's thoughts during Shades of Grey


            Trust Me?

        by

         Denise

I come through the gate and walk down the ramp.  It's really not an easy thing to do in dress heels by the way.  But this time I'm not thinking ominous thoughts about the person who decided female officers have to wear heels.  I'm not concentrating on NOT getting a heel stuck in the grates of the ramp.  I'm frantically trying to figure out just what the hell is going on.  Why did the colonel steal from the Tollans?  I keep thinking I'm going to wake up...find out the last few hours have been a wacky, wacky dream. 

But then he hands me the device as he walks away.  I don't want to take it but he presses it into my hand.  I feel its illicit weight in my grasp and  it reassures me it's real.  The Colonel actually STOLE from the Tollans. 

I always knew he had a crazy streak.  I mean no one joins the special forces or lives through all he has without having one.  I vaguely remember my dad doing some weird things when I was little.  It must be a requirement of the whole Black Ops/Special forces deal.  But this...this is beyond his casual lunacy. 

Stealing from the Tollans is like trying to mug the president, graffiti the Pentagon, moon Hammond.  There are some things you JUST DON'T DO.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  The punchline to come spilling out of his mouth...someone to jump out and yell  GOTCHA!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

We're sitting in the briefing room, totally silent, waiting for the General to come in.  Daniel and I keep looking over at the Colonel, trying to get a clue.  Oh lord, here comes the General.  This is going to be SO MUCH FUN.  Janet, it it time for my annual physical?  As they start to talk, I'm sitting here sort of hoping I'll just be ignored.  Times like this make me wish I'd found and figured out Nirti's little invisibility device.  Maybe the Gou'ald can attack us now, tornado, earthquake, power outage...anything to get me out of this briefing.  Daniel and Teal'c, well they can lie. 

What I mean is they're civilians.  If they lie, Hammond'll be pissed off but legally he can't do much to them.  Me however, if I cover for the Colonel, I'm going to be an accessory to his court-martial.  If I refuse to answer, I'll get court-martialed anyway for interfering.  So basically this sucks.  My only hope is that Hammond ignores me.  If he doesn't ask me a question directly I can skate through this briefing without condemning him or me.

Oh god...now he's done it.  He actually asked me a direct question.  What do I do?  Damn the Colonel or me? 

I can't believe it.  The Colonel saved me from having to answer.  I'm relieved. I'm pissed. 

How dare he put me in this position?  What kind of sick game is he playing?  I honestly thought I knew this guy.  We've literally been through life and death together.  He was there for me during the whole Jolinar thing.  He stood up to Hammond with me when I suggested we try to contact the Tok'ra on the basis of a dream.  I risked my and all of SG-3,5,6 and 11's lives to try to save him from becoming a host on Hathor's planet.  Makepeace is still pissed off about that by the way.  I practically lived here for 3 months straight trying to find a way to get him home after he was marooned on Edora.  How the hell can he throw all that away to steal some piece of tech we probably won't understand anyway? 

That's assuming the Tollans let us keep it.  And I really doubt that.  Even if they don't come here demanding it back, there's no way Hammond'll let us keep it.  The Tollans are a group you just don't want to have mad at you.  I feel like the last time I was stuck home watching daytime soaps.  I have absolutely no idea what is going on.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

This just can not be happening.  It's over.  SG-1 is no more. 

OK, there's still a SG-1, but it's only Daniel, me and Teal'c.  The Colonel is relieved of command.    I've always wondered about how it would end.  Of course those thoughts usually come to the surface after a particularly harrowing mission. 

Like every time I've thought Daniel was dead somewhere,  or worst of all, when that bitch Hathor had me convinced I was the only survivor.  I still have nightmares of being all alone.  These people are the first real friends I've had for...well for years.  Just the thought of losing one of them is enough to make me sick to my stomach.  And now it's  a reality. 

There's always a way out.  That's something I've picked up from the Colonel.  I've just gotta find it.  Maybe if I ask him, maybe he'll give me a clue, throw me a bone.  Maybe there's a virus, maybe they did something to him on Edora, maybe Urgo's back...Maybe I'm frantically grasping at straws.  Can someone please tell me just what the hell is going on around here?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"No Carter, I haven't been acting like myself since I met you.  Now I'm acting like myself."

Those words of his keep echoing through my brain.  Only years of military training, and the fact that we were in the middle of a crowded hallway kept me from forgetting myself and punching him out.  I see Teal'c's jaw set as the Colonel lobs those hateful words my way.  I know that one word from me will set the big guy off. 

OK Sam, get a hold of yourself.  Right now you need to keep it together.  If the Colonel is really getting kicked out you gotta be there for Daniel and Teal'c.  Anyway, I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of losing my temper. Never let them know how you really feel...Jacob Carter's life lesson number one.

 Screw you, you mean tempered SOB.  I just turn and leave.  Maybe I'm running away.  No it's not running away...it's  a strategic withdrawal.  My lab...I just gotta get to my lab.  The door locks.  I can hide there.  Been doing a lot of that lately.  Besides after Janet's casual prying over the last three months...the last thing I need is to give her more ammunition.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hammond just called me to his office.  It's official.  The Colonel...Jack's retired...again.  This time however, it's for keeps.  Teal'c, Daniel and I are on stand-down until he finds us our fourth.  And after today's events he wants us to leave the facility...well Daniel and I anyway. 

And he asks me a favor.  He knows just how...unique Daniel and Teal'c are.  Whoever our fourth is, he...trust me it'll be a he...will be regular military.  It'll be my job to ...translate...mediate...levitate...yeah it'll take some magic.  There's gonna be compromises on all sides.  Daniel's got to start to remember that 'It's time to go' doesn't mean 'Five more minutes Jack'. Teal'c...well he's going to have to trust and respect a stranger.  Believe me winning Teal'c's trust is like winning the lottery.  It isn't easy but it's certainly worth it. 

And me...I've gotta get back to yes sir, no sir, how high sir.  I've let myself get way too comfortable with the col...Jack.  I've let myself get far too...open...casual...trusting.  I mean my new CO...yeah it'll be a higher ranking officer, there's no way I'll get command of SG-1...he'll most likely have no tolerance of my explanations, my off the wall ideas and need I mention my little alien flashbacks.  It's time to get back to ...well basically back to the way things were.  I just can't even begin to tell you just how much I don't miss that. 

One thing, just one thing, please God don't let him be one of those 'women don't belong in the military' types.  I think I can handle having to hold SG-1 together as long as I don't have to fight for the respect I deserve along the way.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It's Colonel Makepeace.  I had a feeling it would be him.  Ferretti and SG-2 are working well together.  No reason to throw two teams into turmoil.  Anyway, two majors on one team would just make things awkward.  Colonel Makepeace is a good man.  He's been here almost as long as I have and he's bailed our butts out a few times. 

Of course that last mission is the reason he's not too crazy about me.  It actually has nothing to do with my gender.  When he rescued Daniel and I from Hathor, Makepeace declared co...Jack a casualty.  Then I went back to blow the generator.  That was all fine and well.  The problem came when I had to rescue c...Jack.  I just couldn't leave him.  Jolinar was enough for me to deal with...there was just no way I could let him spend eternity trapped in a nightmare with a monster in his head.  

What I couldn't tell Makepeace or even Hammond was that I'd promised Jack I'd never let him...his knowledge...fall into Gou'ald hands.  We all promised that to each other.  Our SG-1 pledge.

Then Makepeace found out I'd not only made a side trip, I'd almost gotten my brain fried by Hathor.  If Jack hadn't have woken up and she had succeeded in killing me...it would have been a massacre.  Five SG teams, almost half of us would have been killed.

After we got back, Makepeace quietly pulled me aside.  Basically the fact that I'd succeeded in saving Jack and that Trofsky, thinking Jack was a host, was tricked into killing the time necessary for our reinforcements to arrive and I ...technically...hadn't disobeyed orders was all they kept him from 'court-martialing me back to civilian'. 

This is going to be SUCH FUN.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Oh Daniel, please shut up.  Don't protest anymore, just accept it.  Don't make things worse.  I know what he's doing.  That beautiful, crazy, problematic loyalty of his.  With Jack gone, he's going to defend me the same way he would have defended Jack. 

He told me some of what happened during their talk.  Some but not all.  If Jack's words to me in a crowded hallway are any indication, I'll bet what he said in the privacy of his home was far, far worse. 

Jack you son of a bitch.  Lash out at me...fine.  Treat Teal'c like dirt...fine.  But to deliberately hurt your best friend?  I didn't think you could sink so low.  Then again I'm getting the idea I never really knew you.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 We had our first mission today.  Just your standard recon.  Usually no big deal.  Gate to a planet, look around, take a few samples, go home.  Of course the four of us had a long standing pattern.  Daniel and Teal'c would look for archaeological signs, Jack and I would collect samples.  Makepeace's plan is that we all stick together.  It's a sound plan, strategically.  But it cuts our coverage in half.  The problem is Daniel just assumes 'same game, different colonel.' Instead of waiting for orders, he just trots off.  Makepeace protests, Daniel tries to explain, Makepeace doesn't want to hear it, he cuts Daniel off. Teal'c defends Daniel, Makepeace gets annoyed at Teal'c.  I try to mediate.  Daniel thinks I betrayed him, Teal'c glares and I'm caught in the middle.  I stand with my friends and I can kiss my career good-bye.  I help Makepeace control them, I'm gonna lose my friends. 

Dammit this whole mess is all Jack's fault.  What the hell was he doing?  How can he leave me like this?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

He's leaving.  Jack's going to Edora...forever.  He called in his last favor and Hammond granted it.  I'm standing here in the gateroom watching him leave me...us.  Why?  Why did I work my butt off for three months frantically trying to get him back?  He was happy there and I destroyed it. 

Did I do the right thing?  Did I bring him back for him or for me?  What right did I have to destroy his happiness?  Maybe bringing him back is what pushed him over the edge?  Maybe all this is my fault?  I let my emotions, my desperation to preserve our friendship push me to solve the unsolvable.  I ruined his life with my greed.

At least he can go...home.  Where he really wants to be.  It isn't with Daniel, Teal'c or me.  It's with a...well Lara's a nice woman.  Maybe he'll find a cure to his madness.  I'm sick at the thought that I'll never see him again. 

As he walks up the ramp, we salute him.  It seems like so little.  How can I squeeze so much into one benign gesture.  How can I say thank you for saving my life at Heliopolis?  Thank you for 'buying' me from Turghan.  Thank you for not judging me for not being able to shoot Jonus. Thank you for helping me through Jolinar.  Thank you for trusting me when I killed you.  Thank you for trusting my Tok'ra dreams.  Thank you for helping me save my father.  Thank you for that speech I never got to hear.  Thank you for coming to Netu and helping me save my father again.

I'm fighting to keep the tears from falling.  Majors don't cry. Not in front of their COs. 'It was an honor serving with you.'  The wormhole snaps shut and he's gone.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Our next mission went better.  I had a long talk with Daniel and Teal'c.  Daniel...he's changed a lot since I first met him.  It'd be rude if I said grown-up but in a lot of ways he's matured, become less innocent.  His sense of self-preservation is more developed.  With a few gentle reminders he'll be OK.  It's Teal'c I'm worried about.  Makepeace treats him with a disdain bordering on outright dislike.  To be fair, I can't blame Makepeace too much.  Every encounter he's had with Jaffa has been at the business end of staff weapons. 

I mean when one of the SG teams get into trouble, we literally call in the Marines.  He's lost more men to Jaffa than anyone else. 

So far Makepeace has remained professional.  I've tried to tell Teal'c to just give him time.  Makepeace never saw Teal'c kill his own men to save us and innocent prisoners.  He never saw the price Teal'c and his family paid for those actions. 

Right now I feel like I'm juggling live grenades.  One wrong move and all my careful maneuvers will blow up in my face.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

OK, it's back to soap opera time.  First Travele and her aide come through our iris.  Then the gate opens again.  Another unauthorized off-world activation.  But this time Hammond refuses to close the iris.  What is going on? 

Then he comes through.  The clothes may be different but I'd recognize that walk anywhere.  What is he doing back?  Why is he dressed like he was on a mission?  And who the hell are those people he's letting through the gate?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A few minutes later and we're alone in the room, just the four of us.  It was one giant set-up...Makepeace was  a mole working for Maybourne.  Those people Jack brought back were renegades, the same group we chased through the gate in Utah.

 They've been following our missions, stealing what ever we couldn't negotiate for.  Hammond and Jac...the Colonel set us up...lied to us.  They said they wanted natural reactions from us.  That we had to be kept in the dark.

"I'm back," he says.  "Welcome back,"  I respond and a part of me means it.  The other part of me listens as he tries one of his well meant but totally inept apologies to Daniel.  Daniel pushes it away with some half-baked lie about drawing straws.  The three of us leave him behind. The Colonel just stands there, looking puzzled.

What do you think?  You can lie to us and still expect us to keep coming back for more.  You expect us to say 'bygones' and all will be forgiven.  Just how the hell am I...we...supposed to ever trust you again?  The next crazy thing you do, how are we supposed to know if it's a trick, a lie or something seriously wrong?

Just how the hell are we ever supposed to trust you again?

XXXfinXXX


End file.
